My friend says whenever she drives past the places she used to take her father it makes her smile as she only has happy memories of him now. She says that one day it will be like that for me ....and just the goodness will remain.
It's not like that yet. I still go out of my way to avoid driving past the residential home Robin stayed in for a week so that I could have respite. He hated it ...my stomach knots every time with guilt and shame....
Lying on the couch this afternoon in the peaceful room of my lovely crania-sacral healer she asks me to try letting go of my jaw - to let it drop just a bit...to open my mouth just a little ....and to take a breath. I had no idea....even at rest my muscles are coiled tight.
Just unclenching a few millimetres, breathing a whole breath, brings the tears. She says she can feel the brokenness of my heart in my rib cavity ....the shock of the sudden impact .... the weight of a great wild bear leaving his footprint in my chest.
She holds my head, my back...softly gently.... and I feel myself knit together a little....loose stitches in tight places.
Today I have been preparing for my visitors arriving at the weekend. And preparing for Robin's memorial picnic on Sunday. I'm busy baking and making food for family ....easier to do that than to breach the barrier.....let in the true impact of the fact that I will be standing alone..... at the tower on the hill.... Robin's favourite place.....totally surrounded by the circle of our loved ones....holding my bear footprint in my heart.