In Robin's office on the top floor of the house. On the mantelpiece above the fireplace is his portrait by Rachel Jamieson, Robin as a baby, a collage of our visit to New Zealand in 2014....Mount Cook in the background.
He kept everything neat and tidy, in order and organised. And now it's such a mess as I have started to sort and clear it. I've taken everything out of the drawers and cupboards. Each paper clip, each photograph, each cheque book stub, each CD with his handwriting on it....I need to make a decision about.
And I haven't gone anywhere near all his diaries and notes and innermost thoughts and insights and angst and his personality, his humour on paper, in box files.... his life lived and written in ink. I keep thinking he won't write anything ever again.
Today I armour myself with resolution to be gentle. I stay with the easy stuff.... fill black plastic bags with reams of bank statements and old receipts, and account ledgers. The figures on the pages reflecting all the effort of his work, his commitment, his care and his promise to look after me. I'm drenched in gratitude ....
when I feel wrapped too tightly
in the memory of him,
in the ending of him,
all his things surrounding me
on the carpet,
on the desk,
on the walls,
I go downstairs into the garden,
where the patio stones are still warm
under my bare feet
and I sit with a glass of cold wine
to the evening
on the grass
and the leaves
and the petals
of the begonias.
my own heart