Monday 13 March 2017

Muddy, hilly, boggy, beachy.








































In the Sunday Times this weekend Exeter is named one of  20 best places to live in the country....." glorious gateway to the West".

I'm sad that it may also mean the loss of some of our wild places. As I walk round my city I notice more and more inroads into the peacefulness of the parks, the fields, the water meadows ....more building, more tarmac, more concrete......fewer ancient trees.




On Sunday I walk with a dear friend round the edges of


Seaton in East Devon where the Polar Express tram runs to and from Colyton through the Axe valley and through this wild nature reserve where we watch a family of pheasants feeding in the mud of the estuary. I say a family but it's  actually one brightly colourful male and his hareem of beautiful females.





And in the town,  along the sea front, we catch the finish line of 'The Grizzly' -


a fun run -  " twentyish muddy, hilly, boggy, beachy miles of multi-terrain running experience".



The runners were certainly extremely muddy and looked very grateful to the firemen and women who hosed them down at the end of their ordeal.



Today I feel tested by the multi-terrain shaping my new existence. 

 I'm mostly just doing my normal domestic life but nothing feels normal about it. It's the thing about  doing it alone. Without the context of me and Robin.

I don't even mind that much about being alone. After all I sometimes felt alone in my marriage - especially in the last years. And sometimes lonely. But now I don't feel alone in the sense of being isolated or cut off  - in fact I feel deeply connected and loved by the dear people in my life - so I'm not lonely. 

When I was looking after Robin 24/7 I was always trying to get some temporary respite.

Now I have permanent 24/7 respite.

 I don't know how to describe it....I can't find words that fit this feeling of having time and space that I can fill up with just me....without the taking-it-for-granted state of coupledom....the 'an other' to colour and give grist and purpose to my days.

Maybe the words are  unfamiliar, lost and sad. Maybe that's the texture of my new normal.

 Maybe it's only temporary. I do feel there is an undiscovered me.....waiting in the wings somewhere....at the finish line when I've run the ordeal of muddy, hilly, boggy and beachy.

Meanwhile, for now I just need to walk the terrain of unfamiliar, lost and sad...blessing each step of the way with as much love and compassion for myself as I can muster....











No comments:

Post a Comment