This morning I clear melting ice from the car windscreen and drive into the sun along muddy Devon lanes, spattered with fallen beech leaves, oak leaves....bronze and gold towers lining the road...... filtering heather blue sky. I'm taking with me the parcel of my fear - to unwrap it, to uncover its roots in the gentle loving space of a Family Constellation session.
It's there that I encounter the tangle of my mother, her mother and her mother's mother - the diamond necklace of my female tribe....and the men they loved...
By the end I feel lighter and stronger, less grief stricken....released from the pull of their stories....unhooked from mine. I don't know if I'm less fearful now but I like having this access to the network of my ancestors......completing, enriching the circles of love I already have in place in my life...
My husband has someone to help him with the allotment today - he comes back with knobbly bags full of mud-caked carrots and beetroots and creamy white Jerusalem artichokes.....lighter bags of spinach and chard and the last of the slug nibbled cabbages. We share the washing and scrubbing and leave the roots to drain in the sink. I roast some artichokes for supper but not too many because of their windy properties......
With the dark closing in so early now I feel a pressure to get everything done in the daylight.....and of course I don't....rain is hitting the window now..... the air in the room is cooling rapidly.....feel the dread of winter stroking my skin.....
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