Tired Of Being Good

In the garden this evening just before the poplar tree stole the sun away....

I just deleted the blog I wrote half an hour ago as I was  bored with it - and me. Susannah Conway says in her wonderful course, Blogging From The Heart, if you are stuck ask yourself what are you really trying to say.

Well what I want to say is that today I’m tired of being good - tired of walking on my knees for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting ( from Mary Oliver’s Wild Geese).

It’s the 3rd week of our de-tox diet and I’m weary of the alternatives to butter and sugar and milk and tea and bread. We are having these absolutely fantactic meals bursting with goodness - loads of  fresh fish and eggs and salads and every veggie under the sun and nuts and seeds and a bit of fruit and the Oaty Seedy Loaf and my own homemade almond and apricot and sesame bars for treats....... and I'm feeling better for it.....AND....and today I wanted to throw in the towel....

I’m not craving chocolate or crisps or cake or Gin  ( but I do miss olive oil dressings) in fact I’m not  really wanting food at all..... so I’m not sure what’s the matter..... maybe just a surfeit of the trying too hard to get it right and forgetting to love the little things right in front of my face....and anyway I’m tired of trying to work it out....

It was a beautiful day today, my husband out for most of it. It's  what I relish - a home-alone day - but instead of being out in the sunshine in the garden I stayed mostly at my desk....noticing how as soon as I get what I want I don’t appreciate it.....

Walking past the high walls and coils of barbed wire at Exeter prison this afternoon on the way to my Chiropractic appointment I tried to imagine what it must be like to be locked away and not be able to step into the sunshine whenever you want or even choose not to. Like I did today - careless, taking my freedom for granted. Knowing I could make a different choice tomorrow....

I think I might go and throw some towels now....not having said what I wanted at all...