Burnt Out

5th November 2012

I feel like one of those fireworks going off outside tonight......my fuse is so short it doesn’t take much for me to blow up and snap at my husband....

Will you stroke the pussy cat - I’m trying to get lunch...

I will in a minute  - I’m putting stuff away....

But a minute is too long - I can’t bear it for a second when the pussy cat squeaks at my ankles asking for something....asking for attention, when I’m hungry when I’m busy..... when I can’t find room in my heart to love him.....

I stroke him anyway - acid with resentment.....

I take him to the vet tonight, driving through rush hour traffic - dark already. The vet says there’s nothing to be done about the peeing everywhere.....no point in doing more blood tests....it could be his kidneys but he’s eating well so that doesn’t fit with a kidney problem.....

He says some vets euthenaise too readily - euthenasia is a priviledge and only to be used as a last resort - but he’ll do it whenever we think it’s the right time.....probably if our cat stops eating.....

But our cat just pees in his basket on the way home, eats a big bowl of Felix and scatters grey litter pellets across the kitchen floor, in his bed, up the stairs...... and looks at me with his dull wide eyes. All I can see there is my own abandonment, neglect and guilt... 

I wish I was a sparkler tonight insead of this burnt out catherine wheel with a blotchy red face...