20th August 2011 Saturday
Some Good Moments from Today in spite of my grumpiness......
Sitting in a steamy cafe with dear friends, the rain pouring down outside, for brunch of boiled eggs and soldiers. My husband asks what are soldiers and laughs when the they arrive on my plate - sticks of buttered granary bread.
Talking to my sister on the phone - the husband of my niece has been evacuated from Syria - I’m so happy they will be visiting us next weekend.
My husband is upset - he rang me from Sainsbury’s this afternoon -
‘What did you ask me to get - not aubergines, not artichokes - what was it?’
‘Avocados,’ I say.
When he comes home I decide to stop hoovering and cleaning the loos and sit with him in the bedroom. I ask him what else he is upset about apart from forgetting the word for avocado. He tells me about his clay models - his distress about the lizard that broke, his worry about the money, not being able to hear the conversation in the cafe, not knowing how to contribute any more, not knowing how to support me - somehow take away my stress. I listen and feel hopeless about being able to change. Then we give each other some deeksha blessing and he says he feels better.
I carry on hoovering and I don’t feel any better. Except I’m glad he does.
Sharing how it is - my tearfulness, my grumpiness, my resistance, - with dear friends over the dinner table - knowing they accept me anyway - and in their loving company I feel less disconnected and stuck. They really like my Portuguese fish stew with the chermula and the redcurrant and blackberry tart with blackcurrant parfait for afters.
Later when they have gone home and we are clearing away the dishes I discover the bowl of roasted vegetables - red peppers and onions and aubergines - all melting sweet and garlicky - still keeping warm in the oven. I’m mortified I forgot to serve them. Then I realise I can take them tomorrow for the lunch to share after the village walk. And the redcurrant tart as well as we hardly ate any of it.
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